Do you Remember?
by Darkness-nightfall
Summary: Do you remember that day? The day you changed, the day you went away, the day you left. I remember, I remember everything.
1. Prologue

Do you remember?

By Darkness-Nightfall

A/N: This did start as a one shot, but stuffed up somewhere along the line. Sorry if it confused you with the reposting and whatnot, i'm not sure what happened.

Prologue

James Point of View

Do you remember that day? The day you changed, the day you went away, the day you left. I remember, I remember everything.

I remember when you changed, from the bright little flower I knew and loved every day of my life. You were perfect and intricate, flawless and extraordinary. From those little ringlets of red hair that fell evenly down your symmetrical unblemished pale face, to your springy step, and to your light voice which carried unusual distances, yet still seeming soft.

And then it happened. Just gradually. One day, a ringlet out of place, the next day, a falter in your stride. Slowly, the flower I had come to respect and looked to for a safe haven was crumbling. Fading, even.

You became a mess of overflowing emotions. No one else noticed though, but I did. I dove deeper, deeper into the uncertainness that you felt. I know you, Lily. I know that you thought you were forgotten. But you weren't, and you never will be.

I watched you every day, at every moment I got. I watched you succumb to defeat, like I've never seen anyone do before. I watched you fall, I watched you wither away. Shrivel up into uncertainty.

Then all of a sudden you weren't there anymore. Just vanished. I went looking for you, you know. I tried to chase you back into my life, but I never did find you. I'm still looking for you, and I've found the trail of destruction you've left behind- a trail of sorrow and self-consciousness that you've acquired over the years.

And you know what? I've found you. Found you in the least likely of places. I found you alone, and I never want to lose you again. But already, you're gone. And now it's time to change our roles in the world – I'm lonely and overcome with sadness and desire, and you- you are finally happy.


	2. Inside Thoughts

Chapter Two: Inside Thoughts

By Darkness-Nightfall

Reflecting back on my life, I think it was wasted. I'm still wasting it, to speak the truth. I'm only seventeen, and I'm wishing my life away. I don't think that's meant to happen.

Everyone thinks I'm a happy, bubbly, intelligent girl with her life under control. But I'm not. Inside I'm a falling empire, like the dying out of the muggle knights in the medieval times.

Sometimes I think I hate myself. Even sitting here, remembering all the fun I had. I have great friends – Maura Fig, Scarlet Wood and Harriet Weasley. But sometimes they aren't enough, no matter how much I love being around them.

But then there's James. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking to- late at night, after everyone's gone to sleep, we'd creep out into the bitter air with our cloaks wrapped tightly around us, hair swirling madly around. Usually we walked barefoot across the dew soaked grass- it was quieter that way.

Next to the lake, under the cover of half a dozen oak trees, was where we'd sit every night. Never did we miss a night out there- I confessed to him like someone would to a priest. And he listened. Not listened, with stupid encouraging words, but truly listened. He listened with his heart, soul and mind. It showed through his eyes.

I'd tell him everything from my bouts of self-hate and depressing thoughts. In turn I'd receive a shoulder to cry on. No one ever knew about our little 'sessions', even though we were gone all night, sometimes coming back just after dawn- so we could watch the sun rise, watch it wash away all our problems, even if just for a precious hour. That hour was what I waited for every day. It meant nothing unless it was coupled with James next to me, holding me for support.

Before I left to meet him every night, I'd make a promise with myself that's never let James Potter see me cry. It usually failed, because once the words came tumbling out, the tears automatically followed. It was a weird process.

James never judged me either. No matter how horrible I was about myself, he never did. And he never told anyone either.

Whatever you're thinking, we never were romantically involved, not until later, anyway. Even at as a crazy sixteen year old, I was uncharacteristically dependant on him.

But no one ever knew how much.


	3. At The Crossing Place

Chapter Three: At the Crossing Place

By Darkness-Nightfall

**Author's Notes: **

Hey! Thanks to my poor, lonely reviewers. This chapter is slightly longer, and is hopefully just the pinnacle of this story. We shall see what becomes of it though. Thanks again!

Night time. Glancing at the muggle clock next to my bed, I noticed that it read 9pm. Despite it still being early by my standards, the whole dorm was asleep; no one was even down in the common room.

Grabbing my cloak off the end of my bed, I tiptoed across the room and opened the door, surveying downstairs, to double check that no one was down there. After seeing that there wasn't (one can never be too careful), I headed down the stairs, silently.

Leaving the castle via a window on the first floor, the wind struck me straight away. It was meant to be the end of summer, but it still chilled me to the bone, and I pulled my cloak around me closer.

The grounds were deserted. Everything was in place, despite the rustling of the trees on the edge of the forbidden forest. A lone bird skimmed the water of the lake, but was then swallowed up by the darkness of the night.

The wind settled for a few seconds, but then began knawing at my uncovered face, and crazily blowing my red hair about. I relished it – the wind reminded me of my life flashing by- and how quickly things could change.

I remembered my downhill road of happiness that engulfed me last year. I thought back to my feelings, my hopes and desires, and as I remembered, I watched them crash and burn beneath my heated hat for the world.

In my reminiscing, I didn't notice that I'd walked straight past the trees and had started to walk into the lake. The cool water licked at my toes, it was refreshing, yet painfully beautiful. It chilled me, and I could feel my feet going numb. But it was wonderful; it gave me a new sense of meaning. It's hard to believe water, such a simple creation, can do this- give me such pleasure.

After a few freezing seconds, I backed out of the water, waiting for the circulation to return to my feet. I sat down on the bank of the lake, making an attempt to straighten out the knots in my persistently tangled hair. I looked at my watch- 9:15pm. Where was he? Surely he didn't forget? All the possibilities ran through my head – he'd forgotten, not come on purpose, been caught, had detention...

A rustling in the grass behind me caught me off guard. Turning, I saw a cloaked figure stumble out of the thick grass and off to the trees.

I got up, quite nimbly, and turned on my heel. James was sitting with his back against one of the hundred-year-old trees, and turned around when he saw me coming. I sat across from him, about five feet away, with my back against another tree.

Muttering the spell to light up his wand, he put it in the middle of us, casting a small glow around us. It bathed his handsome face with a golden glow, illuminating his eyes.

"So..." His voice came out of the darkness; I wasn't expecting it quite so soon. I looked down, and picked up a stick to draw some patterns in the untouched dirt next to me.

"Long time no talk," I countered his useless comment, concentrating on drawing in the useless dirt.

"Lils, let it out. Talk to me," It almost sounded like a plea in his voice. I looked up to face his expectant eyes. I sighed deeply.

"Oh James, everything is different now. Petunia is being a downright cow to me. I sent a letter home to wish her happy birthday, and she sent back some nasty reply. I'm sick of it! And I'm sick of her useless fiancé, with up up-the-ass drill company." I wasn't usually one for crude words, but when I'm with James, anything seems appropriate.

He nodded knowingly. " Lily, I really think you should just forget about your sister. I know it sounds harsh, but is she really worth knowing if she's going to treat you like that? She'll never be there for you, whereas the rest of the school, and me, will be. Think about it Lils, for me?"

I gulped back tears and forced a smile at him. We had a 'no contact policy' happening here, it was an unspoken rule. We could offer whatever words of comfort we wanted to each other, but under no circumstances was touching (in any context) allowed. It was just that we didn't want to ruin the friendship.

"I feel so useless, James." I started off again, quietly sobbing with my eyes downcast to the dirt.

"I really do, it's a horrible feeling. I think I do hate myself, and my life. I know I have great friends and all, but sometimes they just aren't enough. Sometimes you need more; sometimes you need _yourself _to fix your problems. But I can't James. I'm trapped in this stupid place, like I'm at a crossing place. I've got no idea what's going on, I'm _floundering _and I can't believe I just used that pathetic word." I hiccupped as the tears ran down my face. James's face showed pity for me, really yearning to make me happy. I liked that.

"I feel like I'm surveying the world from a useless vantage point- like I'm in a painted portrait – unable to do anything." I finished off with a slight gurgle.

When I looked up again, I saw James. Never had his face been filled with so much compassion. I thought I saw tears in his eyes that night. For the first time ever. And here I was thinking that James Potter was invincible. Perfect. It turns out; he's just like me- human and full off errors. That's why I love him.


	4. Reevaluating Part One

Chapter Four: Re-Evaluating (Pt 1)

By Darkness-Nightfall

A/N: This is only a short one, part two didn't sound right when I added it to this chapter, so I split them up. I'm on a roll tonight, so pt 2 will probably be done as well. Enjoy!

There comes a time in one's life when one must decide what's going to get them places, and what's just excess baggage. I decided that time would have to come sooner or later, so I chose sooner. It was time to re-evaluate my life.

It was also time to get myself out of this whole and weed out the uselessness I had become accustomed to over the last few years. From now on, Lily Evans was a changed girl.

So I started. I threw away all my clothes, and brought some new lots from Hogsmeade. I cleaned up my part of the dorm, so everything was orderly. I made many resolutions to become happy and chirpier, on the inside as well as the outside.

I decided to 'try out' my new self in the classes the next day. I set my trusty muggle alarm clock for 6:30am, and when it went off, tried in vain to feel happy and bubbly. I slid out of bed and landed on the floor.

After that minor mishap I finally made my way to the bathroom, and had a long warm shower, letting the water wash away my old self. I got out at 6:50am and noticed that still no one else was up.

Sighing, I carefully picked up my skirt that I had laid out after I had ironed it the night before, as well as my shirt. My tie hung over one of the posts around my bed.

I put my neat, clean and non-crumpled uniform on and admired myself in the mirror. I _did _look good. Smiling, I magically put my hair into small waves, grabbed my book bag, and left.

It was right on 7am when I arrived at the great hall, feeling fresh and good about myself. I wore a smile, which showed through my dazzling eyes (Hey, I'd been told that many times, don't blame me) and hummed a tune.

The hall was occupied by some bedraggled early starters (or late, they'd probably been there since last night and fell asleep) who looked awfully spaced out. I chose a seat near the end of the Gryffindor table, and buttered myself two pieces of toast, and poured a cup of pumpkin juice.

It was nice to be up early and ready for a change. I was beginning to like this routine, and thought about it all through my lengthy breakfast. Slowly, people poured in, usually in groups of two or three.

I was so content that I didn't hear the footsteps behind me, and when someone touched my lightly on the shoulder, I spilled pumpkin juice down my shirt. I stood up and spun around, glaring daggers at whoever had disrupted my peaceful morning.

Sirius Black stood there, looking slightly bewildered. His arm was still in mid movement; he looked like an odd statute.

"Sirius, what on _earth _did you think you were doing? Interrupting me in the middle of my meal. Can't someone have some piece in this place anymore?" I sighed and sat down, quite unhappy at the prospect of having to clean my shirt again.

"I'm sorry Lily, I was just going to ask you –"I cut him off mid sentence.

"Sorry won't cut it this time Black." I stood up hurriedly and raced off, hoping to get my shirt dry before classes were due to start. In my haste I'd forgotten my book bag.

Sirius Stood, dumbfounded, his arm still in the same position. Carefully, he came to his senses and picked up my bag, and made his way back up to the common room.


	5. Reevaluating Part Two

Chapter Five: Re-evaluating (pt 2)

By Darkness-Nightfall

"I tell you mate, she's off her rocker now!" Sirius exasperatedly told Remus and James, who were looking very doubtful at Sirius' claim. They exchanged a look, and then sighed.

"I swear, she yelled at me, and it wasn't even my fault!" He was winging now, which was what he was prone to do when someone didn't believe him.

The three headed down to the Great Hall, to enjoy a late breakfast: a quick slice of toast and a sip of pumpkin juice, before dashing off to their first class.

8:45am. And Lily was frantically washing her shirt, before realizing that she had a spare. Sighing angrily, she ripped the shirt off its coat hanger and hastily buttoned it up, leaving the other shirt somewhat dejectedly in the sink.

Their first class was Charms, which Lily was good at, and happened to like. She walked in with about thirty seconds to spare, and took a seat next to Maura, who grinned at her.

Professor Flitwick arrived just after Lily had taken her seat. Climbing to the top of the mound of books that surrounded his cluttered desk, he began the lesson in a high-pitched, almost squeaky voice.

"Today class, we will be studying the use of Healing Charms. These are most commonly used by Mediwitches, and of course their wizard counterparts. Madam Pomfrey up in the hospital wing uses many of these, and she has told me to tell you she'd be happy to speak to you about them if need be."

He coughed and cleared his throat, before speaking again.

"Can anyone tell me the name of a healing charm?" he asked, glancing around the class with his little beady eyes. His gaze fell on Peter Pettigrew, who fidgeted uncomfortably under the professor's gaze.

"What about you, Peter?" he asked kindly, but firmly. Peter looked up with his terrified eyes, and nervously swallowed.

"T-the Cooling charm?" he asked, as a guess. Flitwick did not look amused at his pupil's severe stupid ness, and ignored his answer. Peter sunk back into his chair until the class was over.

That night, there was no wind, nothing. Everything was quiet when Lily left her dorm for her usual 'meeting' with James.

He was waiting for her by the edge of the lake. She smiled when she saw him.

"Maybe we should sit here tonight. It's awfully hot under the trees." Lily remarked, sitting down. James sat also, in his usual position, across from her.

"So, how's my Lil?" He asked, brushing part of her hair behind her ear. She smiled before answering.

"I'm good, for once. I had a big think last night, and thought about how depressed I was, and I've changed. Gone was the boring me, always unhappy with the world, and myself and in with the new me! Always happy and ready to have fun!" She smiled, and James looked uncomfortably at her.

"Well, I suppose that's...good. I did like the old you as well though." He said slowly, choosing his words carefully. They didn't convey was he was feeling though, he missed the old Lily. She was a person he could talk to, this person was somewhat superficial.

"Anything else you want to say?" She asked, titling her head to the side, with a smile still plastered on her face.

"No. No, nothing. I've got to get back, to...umm... Sirius. I promised him a chess match. Talk later." He got up and crossed the yards, leaving a confused Lily behind.

'What had she done wrong? She thought? Or was it even her that had done anything? Maybe James really was going to play a chess match. Oh well, whatever it was, it didn't matter.' She thought, humming a tune under her breath as she headed back to the castle.


End file.
